1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
from now on my penis is your penis
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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