someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
