WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
