at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
