the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
