I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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