I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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