So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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