What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
