My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
