Got a toothbrush?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
