but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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