: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
