So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
