apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
