i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
