every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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