I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
