You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
