I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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