I just saw a hot homeless man
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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