No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
