i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
