I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
