dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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