I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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