i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
