So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
