I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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