Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
