gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
