Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
