If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
