my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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