I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
