Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize