i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
