So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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