I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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