My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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