I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
