Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
