There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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