The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
