Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
