You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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