I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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