Your mouth is God's brothel.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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