I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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