I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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