just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize