He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
