Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
PANTIES FOUND
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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