Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
