New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
