Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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