Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
